Evening all :)

My last post, I'm glad I posted it ...

Looking back I can read the panic in my eyes as it were ...

I was just finishing my 3 yr accountancy course, going through a major career re-classification and general life stuff.

Moving forward 3 months, I have now passed my course :)

The first step of the job re-classification has been done (more stress to come, but let's do one step at a time).

And I've gone back to work full time.

Oh ... and I'm now 41 ....

The only downside currently is the fact that I wandered over to this blog with a specific reason, but ... forgotten it.

I'll be back, if I remember .... !

Overwhelmed ?!

That moment when every question, statement, whatever is too much. Yes that moment. Which moment ? You have a moment you have to question ? I mean THIS moment.

I can't, sorry, no, I can't. I can't take any more requests, questions, whatevers. Nope, no more. That's it, I've exceeded the limit.

I have to admit, I'd never realised there was one, but apparently yes, there is, and it's been hit. And no, I neither know or particularly care what it takes to either lower us from that limit, or reset it.

It's shut ... the bar is lowered, and I feel a lot calmer.

A few reflections ...

Habit or addiction ?

When does one become another ? Does it have to be that way ? Are habits different to addictions ?

I would say that I have an "addictive personality", not that I actually know what the official psychobabble definition of one is.

I can't remember when it started .. but I do recall some of the things over the years from childhood onwards. In no particular order :

There was the "rubber" collection (no not that kind of rubber !) .... back in the 1980's kids collected erasers, there were alsorts of them, smelly ones, colourful ones, shaped ones. I had 100's of them.

The postcard collection

The badge collection

The eating of bread and butter pudding from the bakers ... every day, I had to have it, I couldn't contemplate life without it.

Playing Tetris for hours and hours and hours

And then as quickly as the obsession began, one day then they would be gone again, without my consciously noticing.

In the past decade, it's been knitting, quilting, cloth nappies when DD was small, sewing, genealogy.

All of which have to be "done to death" ... and we will not mention the ongoing Zynga games.

4 years ago, it was losing weight, and I did it for 2 years, I got to goal, I became fit, I took up running (and yes, of course, I got all the gear), and then as quickly, I got ill (chronic bronchitis) for six months, and it all went to pot. That combined with the depression of being ill, the actual physical act also took its toll.

Fast forward to today, and I've gained 62 lbs .... which even for me, is rather "impressive".

In fairness, I've only gained 4lbs since January, but when I'm not totally committed to something, it doesn't really happen.

Yesterday, I did go for a walk after work (4 miles), yesterday I did eat fairly clean, but I did drink too much wine (another topic for another day).

Today, I've been considered with my lunch (grated cheese and cucumber roll, with no butter), coffee x 2 with s/s milk, water ... and tonight we're having pasta with chicken and asparagus with a low fat creme fraiche sauce, planned by me, cooked by DH.

Here, I am at college, and I've just drank a skinny latte from Starbucks, not bought the "habitual" chocolate bar, which I always have when at college, instead I have an apple in my bag for if I do "need" a snack.

After college, I am going to the supermarket to stock up on fruit and veg and tonight I am going to write up a meal plan and print it off and put it in the kitchen. It worked in the past, and it will work again.

I am too busy / tired to do anything else, I have to put an end to the excuses to get a takeout, I have to put into place the planning and safeguards to prevent the weight gain, and indeed to start the weightloss game again.

62lbs .... I shall start with each day by day, and my first goal is 2lbs.

62lbs .... that's just silly, how silly I am for allowing myself to get myself into this predicament. Oh well, silly or not, I will get myself back from this. I have to.

Tired, overweight and downright cranky.

Ok, ok, I think I finally get it. I am now the heaviest I have ever been ... and I measured myself, and that wasn't a happy story either.

I am continually tired, I keep going to bed way too late, I don't have the energy (mentally) to exercise. I have it in my head, that if I do exercise, I may burst something.

I am too tired to cook properly, and keep reaching for the "easy" option, aka takeout, oh and the worst form of takeout, Indian (tasty, but OMG the ghee, the ghee!).

I am drinking too much alcohol and sugar filled squashes, and not enough water.

I am working two jobs and going to college, with project and exams looming, I also have my DD to run around after, and a house which I want to get finished on the renovation, so that we can move one day.

All in all, I'm not helping myself much.

And whilst I have all these things on, I need to find some "me" time, and that "me" time has got to involve taking care of myself, that way I will have more energy to do some of these things, and not be hiding in a UK size 20 (yes, I said it, a size 20) pair of jeans, which look more like something a clown ought to wear, not a 40yr old who 3yrs ago fitted into a US 4, who ran regularly, and now puffs when walking up the stairs.

C'mon what does it take for me to wake up and take a grip ?

I've joined countless fat busting forums, I keep starting mealplans, I mean to go to the gym ... but none of it seems to want to make me realise I need to get this sorted, for once and for all.

And I guess one of the reasons, I keep feeling it's all so futile, that it's impossible for me to lose the weight, which I know is frankly ridiculous.

I hate feeling overwhelmed, I hate struggling mentally to do simple things, but I guess that's just depression for you, and really I need to work through it.

Easier said than done ?

So, in the ever starting steps .... I am dressed in my gym kit and I am going to go for a walk after work, I have got dinner out of the freezer (HM chilli).

I haven't done my homework for college tomorrow yet and I haven't even looked at the feedback my tutor has provided for my project, which I need to get done for next week.

I'm away for work two days this week, and bluntly all I want to do is curl up and sleep.

I won't mention the evergrowing ironing pile or the fact that I really ought to go to the supermarket for fresh veg.

So, so tired.

Where do people get the energy from ?

Rain, rain ... go away !

It has now been raining on and off since Tuesday, it is currently lashing it down. Of course, this is all because there is washing hanging on the line. Seriously .... I reckon if I rescue the washing, the sun will automatically come out !

The trip to London last Friday was a blast, if a little wearing on the feet ... we went to the British Museum, concentrated on the Ancient Greeks and the Egyptians .... with a preview of the Sutton Hoo exhibition which is coming in the Autumn. All of these periods pertinent to what DD is or has studied recently.

Then we trundled across town to the Natural History Museum and we saw the dinosaurs ! A far bigger display than I remember of a mere 2 decades ago .... well worth a visit if you're in the vicinity.

I am absolutely frazzled this week, and I know it's all my own doing. I need to go to bed earlier. Last night, for example, I finally sat down at 21:00 and was ready for bed then. But did I go, no of course not. Why not ? Well, because DH was busy painting the living room and I thought it unfair to go to bed whilst he was working so hard on it. Consequently, bedtime was around the one o'clock mark. Bleurgh.

Tonight, I am going to go to bed pre-midnight. Well, that's my aim.

Friday 13th .....

Now, do you view Friday 13th as a day for bad luck ? My jury is out, although in fairness, I'm favouring on the "bunkum" theory, as in 40yrs, I've never had a bad experience ... but .... let's not tempt fate until tomorrow is over, eh ?!

Especially, as tomorrow, I have the day off. It is DD's last day of Easter hols (yes, hols, not vacation ... ), and we're planning a visit to London.

On the agenda currently is the British Museum in the morning, with the Natural History Museum in the afternoon .... and I think I am way more excited than DD. However, that is understandable, given that she's 8 and has never been to either !

Her topic for history next term is Ancient Greece, so hopefully the British Museum will have some fun and interesting artefacts / exhibits, failing that the Natural History Museum ought to excite with a rather large dinosaur or two (this is where I hope the dinosaur is still there ... after all, I last saw it, ahem, about, cough ... a couple of decades ago!)

I also want to fit a trip into Kings Cross station ... especially Platform 9 3/4 as she's a HP addict (both movies and books)

Right, best find the camera and charge the batteries ... !

Easter 2012 - death.

Well, that was a cheering title wasn't it ?

I am 40, and as I get older other people seem to disappear off the mortal coil (die) and we're left to deal with the consequences in whatever form.

This is not a blog post about those that have passed, but is way more personal and those that haven't.

The way I live my life, is about planning for us, for the future, with the understanding, that I will be the person left, and therefore the person picking up the pieces. However, with that, I have ensured it's all documented "just in case", but the reality in my thinking is that I am going to be the responsible one.

But, what happens if I'm the one who gets struck down with a brain tumour, runover by a bus .. whatever?

I've set myself up in the knowledge that when DH dies, I will be lonely, but I will manage. But, how do I ensure DH is AOK if I trip off this mortal coil ?  How do I ensure that DD has the opportunities I have planned for her ? How do I ... how do I ... when I am no longer in control, cos I'm just not here ... ?

Basis Periods...

Revision time folks ....

Year 1:

From commencement of trade to end of tax year.

Year 2:

a) If the "accounting date" is in the tax year and is 12 months or less, then it is the first 12 months of trading

b) If the "accounting date" in the tax years and is more than 12 months, then the period is the accounting date less 12 mths

ie. 01/07/2010 - 30/06/2011

c) If the "accounting date" does not fall in the 2nd tax year, then it is:

06/04/x1 - 05/04/x2

Year 3:

Actual dates of the "accounting period"

Overlap profits can only be deducted when the business cessates

Cessation period is from the beginning of the previous basis period to the end date.

So...

Tonight (this morning) ...

I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself, not majorly, but somewhat.

I have what I think is commonly known as a "Spring cold" .... my ears are ringing, lying down is not a good look and generally I really need sleep although I know it's not going to come easily.

Also, my iPhone is refusing to charge, I have run out of water, and I've lost my handkerchief ... seriously folks what could be worse ?

...................... bleurgh .... go on, you compete, what was worse about your day ?!

Half Term is almost over ...

So, I had a great long list of things to do / achieve, let's see how I did first:

• Take DD to the "ThinkTank" Did and had great fun
• Make 3 sets of fully lined curtains - Well, I ordered a book on curtain making, but that's as far as it went
• Buy 5 Roman Blind kits - Hmm, well, I went to the shop, but still couldn't make my mind up - ongoing
• Look for material for the above Roman blinds - I looked, I failed.
• Menu plan for the following 2 weeks (if not month) - Nope
• Shop for said menu plan - Nope
• Make outfit for DD's "World Book Day" (apparently she wants to go as Katie Morag) This was going to be so simple, it wasn't, but I have made her a skirt and we've bought a jumper which we're going to adapt, so 80% there.
• Do draft of my project done, and sent to tutor for appraisal - tomorrow, is the plan
• Discover where the gym is and use it - Nope
• Take DD swimming _ Well, DH took her, so that counts right ?
• Sleep - Yep, I got some naps in :)
• Bake bread - Nope, still 3 loaves in the freezer
• Make biscuits for the tin, and biscuit dough for the freezer - Nope
• Scrub downstairs cloakroom floor - Nope
• Seal the downstairs cloakroom floor (which apparently takes up to 8 days to dry) - Nope, but did find the tile sealant

So, a mixed bag of results. My overall impression of half term was that, I really  need more time off, and less time in "paid work", it's just a pity that unfortunately the mortgage company prefers it otherwise !!

I have also, come to the brutal realisation, that in order to lose weight, I need to move more. I've pretty much stopped moving, but eating hasn't been mega increased (it's just "bad", not awful) ... but I am so sedentary it is awful.

So, my plan for this week, is that whilst I'm manically busy, I need to fit in an hours worth of walking per day (i.e. 500 calories), this is going to be a challenge, I acknowledge this, but other people manage to hold down a full time job, parenthood and exercising ... it just needs planning.

Also, I have managed to fit in a little batch cooking, with more to be done tomorrow.

We now have a portion of lamb and apricot meatballs with sauce in the freezer, and 6 individual chicken kiev's, made with homemade breadcrumbs with organic chicken, so good ready meals !!

I have 4lbs of mince, ready to be transformed tomorrow ... I rather fancy a cottage pie and maybe a good chilli.

And a month later...

I am sure that time is sucked and spat out somewhere else, otherwise how can I account for the fact that it's been exactly one month since I last blogged.

This week, I am off work, and have so many plans. Whether I achieve them will be another matter altogether, but it's good to have plans.

So, herewith my "plan list":

• Take DD to the "ThinkTank"
• Make 3 sets of fully lined curtains
• Buy 5 Roman Blind kits
• Look for material for the above Roman blinds
• Menu plan for the following 2 weeks (if not month)
• Shop for said menu plan
• Make outfit for DD's "World Book Day" (apparently she wants to go as Katie Morag)
• Do draft of my project done, and sent to tutor for appraisal
• Discover where the gym is and use it
• Take DD swimming
• Sleep
• Bake bread
• Make biscuits for the tin, and biscuit dough for the freezer
• Scrub downstairs cloakroom floor
• Seal the downstairs cloakroom floor (which apparently takes up to 8 days to dry !!!)

Let's see how I get on !!!

First Weigh In - Maintain.

I'm not sure whether to feel pleased or disappointed with that.

Afterall, not a single Indian takeout has passed my lips, where by now either 2 or 3 would have done.
On the flipside, we did go to a party at the weekend, and do 6 hours of travelling, to be followed the next day, by another 6 hours of travelling, where my weight went up 3lbs, so to be back down those 3lbs, is certainly something.

I equally haven't been snacking, apart from the 3 miniature chocolates I ate last night, but seriously, that is it.

Yesterday I ate:

Breakfast / Lunch - 2 thin slices of homemade malted grain bread with a scraping of butter, egg sandwich, made with 2 hard boiled eggs, dollop of salad cream, 2 slices of bread, with scraping of butter

Dinner - 1/3rd steak and ale pie in a shortcrust pastry, boiled potatoes, sprouts and carrots

Snack - 3 chocs

Wine / coffee / water / 1/2 pint of lime cordial.

Remember, I am currently in the "getting back into home cooking routine", rather than the gotta count it, gotta weigh it phase.

I also, didn't go over my wine allowance, and I went to bed around 00:30.

So, plenty of positives. Now, would someone tell my body this, and that it's ok to shed something !

Today's food plan:


Homemade muesli (yes, I made a batch up last night - it includes - barley flakes, rye flakes, bran flakes, oat flakes, dried blueberries, dried apricots, pumpkin seeds, chopped hazelnuts, desiccated coconut).

Homemade carrot and coriander soup, with a slice of bread and butter.

Canneloni, tomato and cheese sauce (pre-prepped by the supermarket!) with veggies to be ascertained (I have tenderstem broccoli, cabbage, mange tout, dwarf corn, carrots - so 2 of those, i.e. a green and another colour!).

First gym visit of 2012 - done :)

I've been putting it off, since like, forever.

But, having had the all clear from the GP's, and in fact being told, exercise is the way to go, today, has been the first opportunity I've had.

Fortunately, going in the middle of the day on a weekday, meant that the gym was pretty much empty of the pretty people, instead there were 3 treadmills full of middle aged, overweight women, doing their best (and yes, I was one of the three!!!).

What this means, is that I did 20 mins cardo, some weights, and gave it a go on the powerplate (something I wouldn't have done if a) the gym was busy or b) there looked like there were people who actually knew what they were doing :)

What is also means is, that I've booked myself in for an aquacise class on next Monday, after DH had seen there was one on this Monday when he took DD to her swimming lessons, he assures me that there were young / old / fat / thin there ..... he'd best be right !!!

Weight wise, the weekend of partying and travelling, saw my weight gain dramatically on the Monday morning, but since then has been coming back down to where it was, I had wanted to lose a pound this week, but with Thursday being my nominated day, and seeing where I'm at today, I'll be lucky to break even.

Curry wise ..... no Indian takeaway still :)

It'll be interesting to see what my body fat and weight are like at the end of the month of no curries, I'm seriously thinking (hoping) to see something positive!

Friday night

We've had a great night out at the cinema, a most unusual event ... it was Tintin, DD laughed, looked puzzled, was slightly scared ... in all the right places .... Yay!!!!

DH and I also agreed that whilst Indian is out, out, out ... chicken kebabs can be in ... occasionally.

Which is good, because that's where he's gone right now.

With the chicken kebab ... it's chicken breast on a skewer, grilled over charcoal, so excess fat is gone, served with salad and a pitta bread ... and a side order of fries (without salt).

I then find the lo-salt, and the low-fat mayo ... and we're ok.

Oh and my weight is down again today ... so the Indian takeout is so out of our house for the moment ... this is not to say that the homemade Indian dishes will be out, more and more they will be in, they just won't be cooked with clarified ghee and cream ...

The sat fat has to go ....

Oh and in alternative news, I ordered my DH the most excellent t'shirt in history, but you must wait until Tuesday before I show you

Am I thin yet ?

Seriously, it's been hours ... I must have lost all that weight it took me 3 years to gain, surely ?


No ? Oh .... ok .....


The good news is I am merely obese, my cholesterol levels are apparently "very healthy" (4.6) (the GP looked surprised), my glucose levels are low (5.1), my thyroid is normal (darn and blast, it was my one get out card!), my BP is still high, but he thinks that ought to go down, once I actually get off my proverbial and lose some weight.


I was honest with him, and told him I knew it was the chronic diet of too many takeaways and stress which are not helping.



He wants to see me again in 3 months to see how I am getting on with the weight loss, so my plan is to lose 1 stone (14lbs / 6.36kg). This ought to be a realistic goal, given that WW reckon on 5lbs a month being a steady loss.

So, given all that, I actually am feeling positive, it is within my own reach to lose this weight, and start exercising again, the high BP, he has confirmed is neither high enough nor unexpected (weight gain = increased BP) to stop me exercising, I am not about to "go pop" ....


I do have to get over the stigma of being the fat girl exercising .... but one battle at a time, eh ?!


My first "dieting" (lifestyle changes) aims is to cut out the takeaways altogether and see what difference that makes, by doing this, I will be getting us back into the routine of cooking, before I then make the conscious effort of calorie counting / portion controls etc.,


I have done this before, I will do this again. This time it is coming from a heavier, older body, but the mind is willing ......


My positives of today:


1. Dinner is planned, ...... DH is going to make a Thai chicken curry with loads of veggies and rice
2. I got to work on time, even with the GP's appointment
3. I walked from the GP's to home
4. I have started to make a dent in the paperwork mountain (admittedly, it is now several smaller hills, but bit-by-bit I'll get there)
5. It is now Day 6 without a takeaway
6. I went to bed before midnight last night

I'll take those positives ......

2012 already !

Wow, where did that go.

This is the thing about getting older, time gets shorter, or at least that's how it appears.

I remember, when Christmases (sp?) were eons apart, not that I knew what an eon was, or in fact whether indeed I do know now, whichever way, they were a long time to wait.

So, now of course is that dreaded time to discuss new resolutions. I will be predictable and choose the one I've been choosing since I was 13 or 14 .... to lose weight.

Of course, ironically, then I didn't need to lose weight, I just thought I did. Reading through my diaries at what I ate, are a hoot, not that I am seriously going to tell you what it contained. But, seriously, what was I thinking!

I now know I need, and I do mean, "need" to lose weight, I am what the clinicians not so politely want to call me ... "obese", in fact on my doctor's screen it clearly states in big fat unsubtle words "on the obese register", not that they actually wanted to mention it, or suggest that perhaps, now is the time to do something about it.

My GP gave me a month to lose weight, it's now been two, and I haven't, so I'm in for ga&d knows what in the morning when I visit him. Oh, and I can pretty much guarantee my BP will also be above where it ought to be.

On the upside, there must be an upside, right ?

On the upside, I have been to bed at midnight or earlier since NY Day (yes, a whole 3 days!), and I've cooked a proper meal, complete with protein, veggies and carbs, and today, I dusted off my Garmin and toddled off for a 2 mile walk.

These three things are strong, positive moves towards actually getting my act together and making 2012 a good year.

If I can get a partial all clear from the doctor tomorrow (BP aside), I will be a lot happier to actually acknowledge that eating fatty food continuously will indeed be the cause of me being fat, rather than any other underlying cause (yes, yes, I know, I know .... ).

6 tricks to cutting the belly fat:

1. Don't eat Indian takeout 2 or more times a week
2. Go to bed earlier
3. Drink less alcohol
4. Do some exercise
5. Control your portion sizes
6. Eat more home cooked, less processed foods

See, and I didn't make you buy some random, unverified supplements !

Although, if you want to hear about the bentonite clay I bought, which is still sitting untouched on my kitchen shelf, or the horrible psyllium husks which are meant to provide natural forms of fibre ....

Current status: 56lbs to lose