Tired, overweight and downright cranky.

Ok, ok, I think I finally get it. I am now the heaviest I have ever been ... and I measured myself, and that wasn't a happy story either.

I am continually tired, I keep going to bed way too late, I don't have the energy (mentally) to exercise. I have it in my head, that if I do exercise, I may burst something.

I am too tired to cook properly, and keep reaching for the "easy" option, aka takeout, oh and the worst form of takeout, Indian (tasty, but OMG the ghee, the ghee!).

I am drinking too much alcohol and sugar filled squashes, and not enough water.

I am working two jobs and going to college, with project and exams looming, I also have my DD to run around after, and a house which I want to get finished on the renovation, so that we can move one day.

All in all, I'm not helping myself much.

And whilst I have all these things on, I need to find some "me" time, and that "me" time has got to involve taking care of myself, that way I will have more energy to do some of these things, and not be hiding in a UK size 20 (yes, I said it, a size 20) pair of jeans, which look more like something a clown ought to wear, not a 40yr old who 3yrs ago fitted into a US 4, who ran regularly, and now puffs when walking up the stairs.

C'mon what does it take for me to wake up and take a grip ?

I've joined countless fat busting forums, I keep starting mealplans, I mean to go to the gym ... but none of it seems to want to make me realise I need to get this sorted, for once and for all.

And I guess one of the reasons, I keep feeling it's all so futile, that it's impossible for me to lose the weight, which I know is frankly ridiculous.

I hate feeling overwhelmed, I hate struggling mentally to do simple things, but I guess that's just depression for you, and really I need to work through it.

Easier said than done ?

So, in the ever starting steps .... I am dressed in my gym kit and I am going to go for a walk after work, I have got dinner out of the freezer (HM chilli).

I haven't done my homework for college tomorrow yet and I haven't even looked at the feedback my tutor has provided for my project, which I need to get done for next week.

I'm away for work two days this week, and bluntly all I want to do is curl up and sleep.

I won't mention the evergrowing ironing pile or the fact that I really ought to go to the supermarket for fresh veg.

So, so tired.

Where do people get the energy from ?

Is it the weekend yet ?

Taking an exceptionally late lunch today, grumpiness is abating :)

Although, I do have the feeling that Winter is starting to come in, what do you mean we haven't had Autumn yet, ok, ok .... so I may be a little previous.

But, today there is a definite chill in the air.

I've resorted to digging out socks and a cardigan, and shutting the window ...

This weekend I think it is time to clear down Summer in the garden, and prepare it for Autumn / Winter ... the time I don't like to venture out of the houses aka October to March !

I harvested all the tomatoes from the greenhouse the other day, what a sad crop they were this year. I started out with such hope for them in March / April time, but they really didn't turn out to be as happy as I had hoped.

On the other hand, my cukes were an abounding success, so we will do those again next year !

My hanging baskets are all but over, so it is time to tear those down, and if I can summon the energy, I may buy some pansies (or whatever it is you buy) for Winter baskets, for a bit of colour.

I also, need to buy some bulbs to plant for the Spring, that is, if I'm not too late already. I can never remember when it is you need to plant bulbs.

I can feel myself mentally wanting to hibernate. This in itself, is not a good thing. This is a thing of depression and sadness. This is something I am at least recognising earlier than normal, and to this end, is something I need to cope with, something I need to put strategies in to place to deal with it.

This needs planning, action and step-by-step .... not the feeling I have currently, which is that it is all too much, requires too much energy, and that bluntly I can't do it, not any of it, nothing at all.

Sorting the garden out, for example, seems to be an overwhelming prospect, whereas in reality, probably won't take that long.

So, I have firmly informed my nearest and dearest that this weekend, WE must sort the garden out. Not me, but WE.

I have done this is in a non-negotiation fashion. As I know that if I have to do it by myself, it will not get done. If I can get the support from those around me, it will get done.

Life is only as hard, as I make it.

Sometimes my need for perfection, makes it too hard. I'm an all or nothing kinda gal.

And when I'm feeling overwhelmed, I tend to be a "nothing" kinda gal. Which unfortunately then impacts on the rest of the household.

It's not that my family won't / don't support me, it's just that without being given the steer, they don't realise that support is required. Mainly because it is normally too late as I don't recognise that it is needed either.

But, I can see it, in the state of my desk, it is overflowing with paperwork, and I'm struggling to care. This is from someone who is fanatically neat and files everything.

I don't know where to start. I don't want to start. I just want it done. But the paperwork is all mine. In some ways it is what is contained within the paperwork, that I am burying my head about.

But, burying my head is not going to alleviate the situation. Just getting on with it, might.

Perhaps a coffee first though ? And then I could check on the washing, or generally find another 1,000 things to procrastinate with.

And then there's the big bag of shoes I've been meaning to sort out for 3 months.

And so it goes on ....