Tired, overweight and downright cranky.

Ok, ok, I think I finally get it. I am now the heaviest I have ever been ... and I measured myself, and that wasn't a happy story either.

I am continually tired, I keep going to bed way too late, I don't have the energy (mentally) to exercise. I have it in my head, that if I do exercise, I may burst something.

I am too tired to cook properly, and keep reaching for the "easy" option, aka takeout, oh and the worst form of takeout, Indian (tasty, but OMG the ghee, the ghee!).

I am drinking too much alcohol and sugar filled squashes, and not enough water.

I am working two jobs and going to college, with project and exams looming, I also have my DD to run around after, and a house which I want to get finished on the renovation, so that we can move one day.

All in all, I'm not helping myself much.

And whilst I have all these things on, I need to find some "me" time, and that "me" time has got to involve taking care of myself, that way I will have more energy to do some of these things, and not be hiding in a UK size 20 (yes, I said it, a size 20) pair of jeans, which look more like something a clown ought to wear, not a 40yr old who 3yrs ago fitted into a US 4, who ran regularly, and now puffs when walking up the stairs.

C'mon what does it take for me to wake up and take a grip ?

I've joined countless fat busting forums, I keep starting mealplans, I mean to go to the gym ... but none of it seems to want to make me realise I need to get this sorted, for once and for all.

And I guess one of the reasons, I keep feeling it's all so futile, that it's impossible for me to lose the weight, which I know is frankly ridiculous.

I hate feeling overwhelmed, I hate struggling mentally to do simple things, but I guess that's just depression for you, and really I need to work through it.

Easier said than done ?

So, in the ever starting steps .... I am dressed in my gym kit and I am going to go for a walk after work, I have got dinner out of the freezer (HM chilli).

I haven't done my homework for college tomorrow yet and I haven't even looked at the feedback my tutor has provided for my project, which I need to get done for next week.

I'm away for work two days this week, and bluntly all I want to do is curl up and sleep.

I won't mention the evergrowing ironing pile or the fact that I really ought to go to the supermarket for fresh veg.

So, so tired.

Where do people get the energy from ?

2 weeks later...

And now I'm in total denial, I've not been on the scale for days.

Oh that and I've had a stinking cold and a horrendous time at work, oh and our beloved cat got killed by a hit and run.

This morning, I went for my blood test. No one told me they were going to take 3 vials of blood. Ouch ! And, yes, apparently, I am allergic to their plasters, not a great look.

On the upside, as a consequence of my 12hr fast, and little alcohol last night, my optician's appointment went exceedingly well, my pressures were some of the lowest I've seen in over a decade ... and cos I am now over 40, with a family history, the sight test was free ... and apparently I now qualify for one every 12 months ... oh the advantages of getting old !!

My father got diagnosed with glaucoma at 37, apparently, very young .. and in the eyes of one optician I never visited again .... impossible. Trust me dear, you may think you know what you are talking about ... but for "once" you don't.

And yes, I did get him struck off the preferred list for the civil service.

I have 3 weeks left to lose weight, and whilst we've been cooking more, drinking less .... my weight is doing nothing .... except slow creep, upwards.

I know I need to do the whole thing of counting calories / fat / fibre, but I haven't. I haven't even got a reasonable excuse, I just haven't. Life has once again, gotten in the way.

I'm still in denial really, and I kinda need the blood tests to tell me I'm a lazy heifer, rather than the remote hope I have an under active thyroid.

However, on the upside, having been rather re-assured by the doctor that I can exercise, I am pretty determined to attempt walking / running again.

Blow what I look like, I just need to get back out there.

Days are drawing in, and I don't want to do it in the dark, so I need  to carve out a lunchtime, which is rare (ok, never) .... Shall I start tomorrow ?? I can't currently think of an excuse, bar the one that I have 2 dozen cookies to bake for DD for Friday for her bakesale.