Tired, overweight and downright cranky.

Ok, ok, I think I finally get it. I am now the heaviest I have ever been ... and I measured myself, and that wasn't a happy story either.

I am continually tired, I keep going to bed way too late, I don't have the energy (mentally) to exercise. I have it in my head, that if I do exercise, I may burst something.

I am too tired to cook properly, and keep reaching for the "easy" option, aka takeout, oh and the worst form of takeout, Indian (tasty, but OMG the ghee, the ghee!).

I am drinking too much alcohol and sugar filled squashes, and not enough water.

I am working two jobs and going to college, with project and exams looming, I also have my DD to run around after, and a house which I want to get finished on the renovation, so that we can move one day.

All in all, I'm not helping myself much.

And whilst I have all these things on, I need to find some "me" time, and that "me" time has got to involve taking care of myself, that way I will have more energy to do some of these things, and not be hiding in a UK size 20 (yes, I said it, a size 20) pair of jeans, which look more like something a clown ought to wear, not a 40yr old who 3yrs ago fitted into a US 4, who ran regularly, and now puffs when walking up the stairs.

C'mon what does it take for me to wake up and take a grip ?

I've joined countless fat busting forums, I keep starting mealplans, I mean to go to the gym ... but none of it seems to want to make me realise I need to get this sorted, for once and for all.

And I guess one of the reasons, I keep feeling it's all so futile, that it's impossible for me to lose the weight, which I know is frankly ridiculous.

I hate feeling overwhelmed, I hate struggling mentally to do simple things, but I guess that's just depression for you, and really I need to work through it.

Easier said than done ?

So, in the ever starting steps .... I am dressed in my gym kit and I am going to go for a walk after work, I have got dinner out of the freezer (HM chilli).

I haven't done my homework for college tomorrow yet and I haven't even looked at the feedback my tutor has provided for my project, which I need to get done for next week.

I'm away for work two days this week, and bluntly all I want to do is curl up and sleep.

I won't mention the evergrowing ironing pile or the fact that I really ought to go to the supermarket for fresh veg.

So, so tired.

Where do people get the energy from ?