A few reflections ...

Habit or addiction ?

When does one become another ? Does it have to be that way ? Are habits different to addictions ?

I would say that I have an "addictive personality", not that I actually know what the official psychobabble definition of one is.

I can't remember when it started .. but I do recall some of the things over the years from childhood onwards. In no particular order :

There was the "rubber" collection (no not that kind of rubber !) .... back in the 1980's kids collected erasers, there were alsorts of them, smelly ones, colourful ones, shaped ones. I had 100's of them.

The postcard collection

The badge collection

The eating of bread and butter pudding from the bakers ... every day, I had to have it, I couldn't contemplate life without it.

Playing Tetris for hours and hours and hours

And then as quickly as the obsession began, one day then they would be gone again, without my consciously noticing.

In the past decade, it's been knitting, quilting, cloth nappies when DD was small, sewing, genealogy.

All of which have to be "done to death" ... and we will not mention the ongoing Zynga games.

4 years ago, it was losing weight, and I did it for 2 years, I got to goal, I became fit, I took up running (and yes, of course, I got all the gear), and then as quickly, I got ill (chronic bronchitis) for six months, and it all went to pot. That combined with the depression of being ill, the actual physical act also took its toll.

Fast forward to today, and I've gained 62 lbs .... which even for me, is rather "impressive".

In fairness, I've only gained 4lbs since January, but when I'm not totally committed to something, it doesn't really happen.

Yesterday, I did go for a walk after work (4 miles), yesterday I did eat fairly clean, but I did drink too much wine (another topic for another day).

Today, I've been considered with my lunch (grated cheese and cucumber roll, with no butter), coffee x 2 with s/s milk, water ... and tonight we're having pasta with chicken and asparagus with a low fat creme fraiche sauce, planned by me, cooked by DH.

Here, I am at college, and I've just drank a skinny latte from Starbucks, not bought the "habitual" chocolate bar, which I always have when at college, instead I have an apple in my bag for if I do "need" a snack.

After college, I am going to the supermarket to stock up on fruit and veg and tonight I am going to write up a meal plan and print it off and put it in the kitchen. It worked in the past, and it will work again.

I am too busy / tired to do anything else, I have to put an end to the excuses to get a takeout, I have to put into place the planning and safeguards to prevent the weight gain, and indeed to start the weightloss game again.

62lbs .... I shall start with each day by day, and my first goal is 2lbs.

62lbs .... that's just silly, how silly I am for allowing myself to get myself into this predicament. Oh well, silly or not, I will get myself back from this. I have to.