A few reflections ...

Habit or addiction ?

When does one become another ? Does it have to be that way ? Are habits different to addictions ?

I would say that I have an "addictive personality", not that I actually know what the official psychobabble definition of one is.

I can't remember when it started .. but I do recall some of the things over the years from childhood onwards. In no particular order :

There was the "rubber" collection (no not that kind of rubber !) .... back in the 1980's kids collected erasers, there were alsorts of them, smelly ones, colourful ones, shaped ones. I had 100's of them.

The postcard collection

The badge collection

The eating of bread and butter pudding from the bakers ... every day, I had to have it, I couldn't contemplate life without it.

Playing Tetris for hours and hours and hours

And then as quickly as the obsession began, one day then they would be gone again, without my consciously noticing.

In the past decade, it's been knitting, quilting, cloth nappies when DD was small, sewing, genealogy.

All of which have to be "done to death" ... and we will not mention the ongoing Zynga games.

4 years ago, it was losing weight, and I did it for 2 years, I got to goal, I became fit, I took up running (and yes, of course, I got all the gear), and then as quickly, I got ill (chronic bronchitis) for six months, and it all went to pot. That combined with the depression of being ill, the actual physical act also took its toll.

Fast forward to today, and I've gained 62 lbs .... which even for me, is rather "impressive".

In fairness, I've only gained 4lbs since January, but when I'm not totally committed to something, it doesn't really happen.

Yesterday, I did go for a walk after work (4 miles), yesterday I did eat fairly clean, but I did drink too much wine (another topic for another day).

Today, I've been considered with my lunch (grated cheese and cucumber roll, with no butter), coffee x 2 with s/s milk, water ... and tonight we're having pasta with chicken and asparagus with a low fat creme fraiche sauce, planned by me, cooked by DH.

Here, I am at college, and I've just drank a skinny latte from Starbucks, not bought the "habitual" chocolate bar, which I always have when at college, instead I have an apple in my bag for if I do "need" a snack.

After college, I am going to the supermarket to stock up on fruit and veg and tonight I am going to write up a meal plan and print it off and put it in the kitchen. It worked in the past, and it will work again.

I am too busy / tired to do anything else, I have to put an end to the excuses to get a takeout, I have to put into place the planning and safeguards to prevent the weight gain, and indeed to start the weightloss game again.

62lbs .... I shall start with each day by day, and my first goal is 2lbs.

62lbs .... that's just silly, how silly I am for allowing myself to get myself into this predicament. Oh well, silly or not, I will get myself back from this. I have to.

Tired, overweight and downright cranky.

Ok, ok, I think I finally get it. I am now the heaviest I have ever been ... and I measured myself, and that wasn't a happy story either.

I am continually tired, I keep going to bed way too late, I don't have the energy (mentally) to exercise. I have it in my head, that if I do exercise, I may burst something.

I am too tired to cook properly, and keep reaching for the "easy" option, aka takeout, oh and the worst form of takeout, Indian (tasty, but OMG the ghee, the ghee!).

I am drinking too much alcohol and sugar filled squashes, and not enough water.

I am working two jobs and going to college, with project and exams looming, I also have my DD to run around after, and a house which I want to get finished on the renovation, so that we can move one day.

All in all, I'm not helping myself much.

And whilst I have all these things on, I need to find some "me" time, and that "me" time has got to involve taking care of myself, that way I will have more energy to do some of these things, and not be hiding in a UK size 20 (yes, I said it, a size 20) pair of jeans, which look more like something a clown ought to wear, not a 40yr old who 3yrs ago fitted into a US 4, who ran regularly, and now puffs when walking up the stairs.

C'mon what does it take for me to wake up and take a grip ?

I've joined countless fat busting forums, I keep starting mealplans, I mean to go to the gym ... but none of it seems to want to make me realise I need to get this sorted, for once and for all.

And I guess one of the reasons, I keep feeling it's all so futile, that it's impossible for me to lose the weight, which I know is frankly ridiculous.

I hate feeling overwhelmed, I hate struggling mentally to do simple things, but I guess that's just depression for you, and really I need to work through it.

Easier said than done ?

So, in the ever starting steps .... I am dressed in my gym kit and I am going to go for a walk after work, I have got dinner out of the freezer (HM chilli).

I haven't done my homework for college tomorrow yet and I haven't even looked at the feedback my tutor has provided for my project, which I need to get done for next week.

I'm away for work two days this week, and bluntly all I want to do is curl up and sleep.

I won't mention the evergrowing ironing pile or the fact that I really ought to go to the supermarket for fresh veg.

So, so tired.

Where do people get the energy from ?