My last post, I'm glad I posted it ...
Looking back I can read the panic in my eyes as it were ...
I was just finishing my 3 yr accountancy course, going through a major career re-classification and general life stuff.
Moving forward 3 months, I have now passed my course :)
The first step of the job re-classification has been done (more stress to come, but let's do one step at a time).
And I've gone back to work full time.
Oh ... and I'm now 41 ....
The only downside currently is the fact that I wandered over to this blog with a specific reason, but ... forgotten it.
I'll be back, if I remember .... !
Saturday, 29 September 2012
Monday, 9 July 2012
Overwhelmed ?!
That moment when every question, statement, whatever is too much. Yes that moment. Which moment ? You have a moment you have to question ? I mean THIS moment.
I can't, sorry, no, I can't. I can't take any more requests, questions, whatevers. Nope, no more. That's it, I've exceeded the limit.
I have to admit, I'd never realised there was one, but apparently yes, there is, and it's been hit. And no, I neither know or particularly care what it takes to either lower us from that limit, or reset it.
It's shut ... the bar is lowered, and I feel a lot calmer.
I can't, sorry, no, I can't. I can't take any more requests, questions, whatevers. Nope, no more. That's it, I've exceeded the limit.
I have to admit, I'd never realised there was one, but apparently yes, there is, and it's been hit. And no, I neither know or particularly care what it takes to either lower us from that limit, or reset it.
It's shut ... the bar is lowered, and I feel a lot calmer.
Tuesday, 12 June 2012
A few reflections ...
Habit or addiction ?
When does one become another ? Does it have to be that way ? Are habits different to addictions ?
I would say that I have an "addictive personality", not that I actually know what the official psychobabble definition of one is.
I can't remember when it started .. but I do recall some of the things over the years from childhood onwards. In no particular order :
There was the "rubber" collection (no not that kind of rubber !) .... back in the 1980's kids collected erasers, there were alsorts of them, smelly ones, colourful ones, shaped ones. I had 100's of them.
The postcard collection
The badge collection
The eating of bread and butter pudding from the bakers ... every day, I had to have it, I couldn't contemplate life without it.
Playing Tetris for hours and hours and hours
And then as quickly as the obsession began, one day then they would be gone again, without my consciously noticing.
In the past decade, it's been knitting, quilting, cloth nappies when DD was small, sewing, genealogy.
All of which have to be "done to death" ... and we will not mention the ongoing Zynga games.
4 years ago, it was losing weight, and I did it for 2 years, I got to goal, I became fit, I took up running (and yes, of course, I got all the gear), and then as quickly, I got ill (chronic bronchitis) for six months, and it all went to pot. That combined with the depression of being ill, the actual physical act also took its toll.
Fast forward to today, and I've gained 62 lbs .... which even for me, is rather "impressive".
In fairness, I've only gained 4lbs since January, but when I'm not totally committed to something, it doesn't really happen.
Yesterday, I did go for a walk after work (4 miles), yesterday I did eat fairly clean, but I did drink too much wine (another topic for another day).
Today, I've been considered with my lunch (grated cheese and cucumber roll, with no butter), coffee x 2 with s/s milk, water ... and tonight we're having pasta with chicken and asparagus with a low fat creme fraiche sauce, planned by me, cooked by DH.
Here, I am at college, and I've just drank a skinny latte from Starbucks, not bought the "habitual" chocolate bar, which I always have when at college, instead I have an apple in my bag for if I do "need" a snack.
After college, I am going to the supermarket to stock up on fruit and veg and tonight I am going to write up a meal plan and print it off and put it in the kitchen. It worked in the past, and it will work again.
I am too busy / tired to do anything else, I have to put an end to the excuses to get a takeout, I have to put into place the planning and safeguards to prevent the weight gain, and indeed to start the weightloss game again.
62lbs .... I shall start with each day by day, and my first goal is 2lbs.
62lbs .... that's just silly, how silly I am for allowing myself to get myself into this predicament. Oh well, silly or not, I will get myself back from this. I have to.
When does one become another ? Does it have to be that way ? Are habits different to addictions ?
I would say that I have an "addictive personality", not that I actually know what the official psychobabble definition of one is.
I can't remember when it started .. but I do recall some of the things over the years from childhood onwards. In no particular order :
There was the "rubber" collection (no not that kind of rubber !) .... back in the 1980's kids collected erasers, there were alsorts of them, smelly ones, colourful ones, shaped ones. I had 100's of them.
The postcard collection
The badge collection
The eating of bread and butter pudding from the bakers ... every day, I had to have it, I couldn't contemplate life without it.
Playing Tetris for hours and hours and hours
And then as quickly as the obsession began, one day then they would be gone again, without my consciously noticing.
In the past decade, it's been knitting, quilting, cloth nappies when DD was small, sewing, genealogy.
All of which have to be "done to death" ... and we will not mention the ongoing Zynga games.
4 years ago, it was losing weight, and I did it for 2 years, I got to goal, I became fit, I took up running (and yes, of course, I got all the gear), and then as quickly, I got ill (chronic bronchitis) for six months, and it all went to pot. That combined with the depression of being ill, the actual physical act also took its toll.
Fast forward to today, and I've gained 62 lbs .... which even for me, is rather "impressive".
In fairness, I've only gained 4lbs since January, but when I'm not totally committed to something, it doesn't really happen.
Yesterday, I did go for a walk after work (4 miles), yesterday I did eat fairly clean, but I did drink too much wine (another topic for another day).
Today, I've been considered with my lunch (grated cheese and cucumber roll, with no butter), coffee x 2 with s/s milk, water ... and tonight we're having pasta with chicken and asparagus with a low fat creme fraiche sauce, planned by me, cooked by DH.
Here, I am at college, and I've just drank a skinny latte from Starbucks, not bought the "habitual" chocolate bar, which I always have when at college, instead I have an apple in my bag for if I do "need" a snack.
After college, I am going to the supermarket to stock up on fruit and veg and tonight I am going to write up a meal plan and print it off and put it in the kitchen. It worked in the past, and it will work again.
I am too busy / tired to do anything else, I have to put an end to the excuses to get a takeout, I have to put into place the planning and safeguards to prevent the weight gain, and indeed to start the weightloss game again.
62lbs .... I shall start with each day by day, and my first goal is 2lbs.
62lbs .... that's just silly, how silly I am for allowing myself to get myself into this predicament. Oh well, silly or not, I will get myself back from this. I have to.
Monday, 11 June 2012
Tired, overweight and downright cranky.
Ok, ok, I think I finally get it. I am now the heaviest I have ever been ... and I measured myself, and that wasn't a happy story either.
I am continually tired, I keep going to bed way too late, I don't have the energy (mentally) to exercise. I have it in my head, that if I do exercise, I may burst something.
I am too tired to cook properly, and keep reaching for the "easy" option, aka takeout, oh and the worst form of takeout, Indian (tasty, but OMG the ghee, the ghee!).
I am drinking too much alcohol and sugar filled squashes, and not enough water.
I am working two jobs and going to college, with project and exams looming, I also have my DD to run around after, and a house which I want to get finished on the renovation, so that we can move one day.
All in all, I'm not helping myself much.
And whilst I have all these things on, I need to find some "me" time, and that "me" time has got to involve taking care of myself, that way I will have more energy to do some of these things, and not be hiding in a UK size 20 (yes, I said it, a size 20) pair of jeans, which look more like something a clown ought to wear, not a 40yr old who 3yrs ago fitted into a US 4, who ran regularly, and now puffs when walking up the stairs.
C'mon what does it take for me to wake up and take a grip ?
I've joined countless fat busting forums, I keep starting mealplans, I mean to go to the gym ... but none of it seems to want to make me realise I need to get this sorted, for once and for all.
And I guess one of the reasons, I keep feeling it's all so futile, that it's impossible for me to lose the weight, which I know is frankly ridiculous.
I hate feeling overwhelmed, I hate struggling mentally to do simple things, but I guess that's just depression for you, and really I need to work through it.
Easier said than done ?
So, in the ever starting steps .... I am dressed in my gym kit and I am going to go for a walk after work, I have got dinner out of the freezer (HM chilli).
I haven't done my homework for college tomorrow yet and I haven't even looked at the feedback my tutor has provided for my project, which I need to get done for next week.
I'm away for work two days this week, and bluntly all I want to do is curl up and sleep.
I won't mention the evergrowing ironing pile or the fact that I really ought to go to the supermarket for fresh veg.
So, so tired.
Where do people get the energy from ?
I am continually tired, I keep going to bed way too late, I don't have the energy (mentally) to exercise. I have it in my head, that if I do exercise, I may burst something.
I am too tired to cook properly, and keep reaching for the "easy" option, aka takeout, oh and the worst form of takeout, Indian (tasty, but OMG the ghee, the ghee!).
I am drinking too much alcohol and sugar filled squashes, and not enough water.
I am working two jobs and going to college, with project and exams looming, I also have my DD to run around after, and a house which I want to get finished on the renovation, so that we can move one day.
All in all, I'm not helping myself much.
And whilst I have all these things on, I need to find some "me" time, and that "me" time has got to involve taking care of myself, that way I will have more energy to do some of these things, and not be hiding in a UK size 20 (yes, I said it, a size 20) pair of jeans, which look more like something a clown ought to wear, not a 40yr old who 3yrs ago fitted into a US 4, who ran regularly, and now puffs when walking up the stairs.
C'mon what does it take for me to wake up and take a grip ?
I've joined countless fat busting forums, I keep starting mealplans, I mean to go to the gym ... but none of it seems to want to make me realise I need to get this sorted, for once and for all.
And I guess one of the reasons, I keep feeling it's all so futile, that it's impossible for me to lose the weight, which I know is frankly ridiculous.
I hate feeling overwhelmed, I hate struggling mentally to do simple things, but I guess that's just depression for you, and really I need to work through it.
Easier said than done ?
So, in the ever starting steps .... I am dressed in my gym kit and I am going to go for a walk after work, I have got dinner out of the freezer (HM chilli).
I haven't done my homework for college tomorrow yet and I haven't even looked at the feedback my tutor has provided for my project, which I need to get done for next week.
I'm away for work two days this week, and bluntly all I want to do is curl up and sleep.
I won't mention the evergrowing ironing pile or the fact that I really ought to go to the supermarket for fresh veg.
So, so tired.
Where do people get the energy from ?
Thursday, 19 April 2012
Rain, rain ... go away !
It has now been raining on and off since Tuesday, it is currently lashing it down. Of course, this is all because there is washing hanging on the line. Seriously .... I reckon if I rescue the washing, the sun will automatically come out !
The trip to London last Friday was a blast, if a little wearing on the feet ... we went to the British Museum, concentrated on the Ancient Greeks and the Egyptians .... with a preview of the Sutton Hoo exhibition which is coming in the Autumn. All of these periods pertinent to what DD is or has studied recently.
Then we trundled across town to the Natural History Museum and we saw the dinosaurs ! A far bigger display than I remember of a mere 2 decades ago .... well worth a visit if you're in the vicinity.
I am absolutely frazzled this week, and I know it's all my own doing. I need to go to bed earlier. Last night, for example, I finally sat down at 21:00 and was ready for bed then. But did I go, no of course not. Why not ? Well, because DH was busy painting the living room and I thought it unfair to go to bed whilst he was working so hard on it. Consequently, bedtime was around the one o'clock mark. Bleurgh.
Tonight, I am going to go to bed pre-midnight. Well, that's my aim.
The trip to London last Friday was a blast, if a little wearing on the feet ... we went to the British Museum, concentrated on the Ancient Greeks and the Egyptians .... with a preview of the Sutton Hoo exhibition which is coming in the Autumn. All of these periods pertinent to what DD is or has studied recently.
Then we trundled across town to the Natural History Museum and we saw the dinosaurs ! A far bigger display than I remember of a mere 2 decades ago .... well worth a visit if you're in the vicinity.
I am absolutely frazzled this week, and I know it's all my own doing. I need to go to bed earlier. Last night, for example, I finally sat down at 21:00 and was ready for bed then. But did I go, no of course not. Why not ? Well, because DH was busy painting the living room and I thought it unfair to go to bed whilst he was working so hard on it. Consequently, bedtime was around the one o'clock mark. Bleurgh.
Tonight, I am going to go to bed pre-midnight. Well, that's my aim.
Thursday, 12 April 2012
Friday 13th .....
Now, do you view Friday 13th as a day for bad luck ? My jury is out, although in fairness, I'm favouring on the "bunkum" theory, as in 40yrs, I've never had a bad experience ... but .... let's not tempt fate until tomorrow is over, eh ?!
Especially, as tomorrow, I have the day off. It is DD's last day of Easter hols (yes, hols, not vacation ... ), and we're planning a visit to London.
On the agenda currently is the British Museum in the morning, with the Natural History Museum in the afternoon .... and I think I am way more excited than DD. However, that is understandable, given that she's 8 and has never been to either !
Her topic for history next term is Ancient Greece, so hopefully the British Museum will have some fun and interesting artefacts / exhibits, failing that the Natural History Museum ought to excite with a rather large dinosaur or two (this is where I hope the dinosaur is still there ... after all, I last saw it, ahem, about, cough ... a couple of decades ago!)
I also want to fit a trip into Kings Cross station ... especially Platform 9 3/4 as she's a HP addict (both movies and books)
Right, best find the camera and charge the batteries ... !
Especially, as tomorrow, I have the day off. It is DD's last day of Easter hols (yes, hols, not vacation ... ), and we're planning a visit to London.
On the agenda currently is the British Museum in the morning, with the Natural History Museum in the afternoon .... and I think I am way more excited than DD. However, that is understandable, given that she's 8 and has never been to either !
Her topic for history next term is Ancient Greece, so hopefully the British Museum will have some fun and interesting artefacts / exhibits, failing that the Natural History Museum ought to excite with a rather large dinosaur or two (this is where I hope the dinosaur is still there ... after all, I last saw it, ahem, about, cough ... a couple of decades ago!)
I also want to fit a trip into Kings Cross station ... especially Platform 9 3/4 as she's a HP addict (both movies and books)
Right, best find the camera and charge the batteries ... !
Monday, 9 April 2012
Easter 2012 - death.
Well, that was a cheering title wasn't it ?
I am 40, and as I get older other people seem to disappear off the mortal coil (die) and we're left to deal with the consequences in whatever form.
This is not a blog post about those that have passed, but is way more personal and those that haven't.
The way I live my life, is about planning for us, for the future, with the understanding, that I will be the person left, and therefore the person picking up the pieces. However, with that, I have ensured it's all documented "just in case", but the reality in my thinking is that I am going to be the responsible one.
But, what happens if I'm the one who gets struck down with a brain tumour, runover by a bus .. whatever?
I've set myself up in the knowledge that when DH dies, I will be lonely, but I will manage. But, how do I ensure DH is AOK if I trip off this mortal coil ? How do I ensure that DD has the opportunities I have planned for her ? How do I ... how do I ... when I am no longer in control, cos I'm just not here ... ?
I am 40, and as I get older other people seem to disappear off the mortal coil (die) and we're left to deal with the consequences in whatever form.
This is not a blog post about those that have passed, but is way more personal and those that haven't.
The way I live my life, is about planning for us, for the future, with the understanding, that I will be the person left, and therefore the person picking up the pieces. However, with that, I have ensured it's all documented "just in case", but the reality in my thinking is that I am going to be the responsible one.
But, what happens if I'm the one who gets struck down with a brain tumour, runover by a bus .. whatever?
I've set myself up in the knowledge that when DH dies, I will be lonely, but I will manage. But, how do I ensure DH is AOK if I trip off this mortal coil ? How do I ensure that DD has the opportunities I have planned for her ? How do I ... how do I ... when I am no longer in control, cos I'm just not here ... ?
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